Yakking The Porno Mustache

Slacking @ Yak’s, Part 1

I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be sitting a Yak’s, hanging out and drinking beer. My day was unusually unproductive. I don’t enjoy going out if a day’s work is unfinished.

Dr. Marty loitered in my mind, interrupting with rambling commentary. He wasn’t a productivity enhancement. He was an impediment.

To avoid his chatter, I sat at the bar and talked with Stanley, the bartender.

“Beer or a Tequila and Tonic?” he asked.

“A wheatbeer,” I said. “Save the lemon. It should be a quiet night, just me and Dee.”

Stanley said, “Duke said he’d be by. He was here last night, too with a spicy redhead.”

“A redhead?”

“I figured you might know something.”

“I know Duke.”

“Duke is Duke,” he said. He wandered down the bar to help someone else. I focus on the sports commentators talking on the silent TV, hoping that Dr. Marty would respect the quiet.

“Hey Tom,” Duke said, relieving me of my vigil. I hoped tonight’s conversation would be about his new friend rather than life coaching.

I waited for him to get a beer. We moved to a table. C showed up next.

“Looks like we’re going to end up with a party,” I said, greeting C.

Duke got up to get round two. I guess we were in a hurry to get the night started after all. Dee was twenty minutes late but that wasn’t cause to wait.

“Dee and I talked a lot about Marty.” C said. “He sounds great. I was surprised you wanted to go to a life coach.”

“So was I.”

“Good for you.”

Right now, C’s enthusiasm was infecting me with a strong desire to be alone. I was quiet as she told me Dee’s discussion of the wonder of Dr. Marty.

“I don’t like him,” I said. Duke handed me a fresh beer. “Thanks. You need a porno mustache. You’ve slept with enough women.”

“Any of them have a mustache?” C liked picking on Duke’s dating habits.

“What’s up with that porno mustache thing?” Duke asked.

“Dr. Marty, my life coach, has one. And what was worse, he said that he wanted to sleep with Dee.”

“What?”

“He said something like you start with the end, and that I probably started thinking about sleeping with Dee even before I started talking with her. And that by having this outcome in mind, I couldn’t help but make that happen.”

How did I end up explaining Dr. Marty when he was the last thing I wanted to talk about?

“Well that’s great!” said Duke, as if a big light bulb turned on. “That means I’ll get to sleep with half the girls at Yak’s!”

He tried to stand up for effect, but C pulled him to his seat, saying, “You already have. You sssssnnnake.” That’s one of Duke’s nicknames. “You tried to sleep with me while I was dating Tom.”

Duke persisted, “According to Tom here, or Dr. Marty, or whoever, all I have to do is imagine it and I’ll have your clothes off in no time.”

C is too clever for that. “Yeah, but I know your dick is small and you’re too scared to show it.”

Dee arrived, and said, “C, are you already talking about dicks? I hate to miss a good party.”

… continued