Olfactory Paranoia

Buddy And Jim And Stanley, Part 1

Little bells rang as Yak’s door opened. Strong wind blew cold damp air into the room. I wished I had kept my coat on.

“Hey Buddy.” I said from across the room. I was waiting for him, alone except for my half empty beer. It was late afternoon and Yak’s was quiet. The happy hour crowd would start to arrive within an hour.

As he walked over, he said in an equally loud voice, “Dude, you’re ugly and your fuckin’ feet stink.”

“My feet?” I looked at his dirty crocs as he approached. Maybe he didn’t have clean socks today.

“Checking me out?” he asked.

“It wasn’t cold enough for shorts?”

“Nah. I’m working on the same pair of jeans for the last week.” He took off his leather jacket and draped it over a chair.

“They have a patina,” I said. I sipped my beer, and then smelled the outdoor chill in the air.

Buddy sat down, then said, “Sepia. It goes with the jacket.”

“Is that what I smell?”

“I didn’t know that sepia smelled.” He helped himself to my beer, nearly finishing it.

“Maybe it’s the wet leather jacket. You aren’t supposed to let it get wet.”

“You suffer from olfactory paranoia. You need to see somebody about that.”

“Like who?” I asked.

“Have you talked with Stanley?”

“I just finished my beer. Rather, you just finished my beer.”

“Yes, a beer would be nice.”

“Are you trying to make me go there by myself?” I stood.

“You could bring your iPhone.” Buddy stood too. “You’re taking her to life coaching.”

“Her?”

“No worry,” Buddy said, following me to the bar. “Have you lost more hair?”

“It’s trimmed.”

“Looking from the back, I’d say you’ve lost more hair.”

“Stanley, who’s turn is it to buy the beer?”

Stanley turned from taking inventory of the whiskey and said, “Have you lost more hair?”

“Is Buddy giving you Asshole lessons?” Stanley just shrugged. “I’m buying. Two wheatbeers. And put a lemon in Buddy’s.”

“No lemon, Stanley.”

“I’m buying.” We had a simple rule, buyer chooses.

“So you get to put a lemon in my beer?”

“You always buy me stout.”

… continued