No Cure For Cancer

“Life Sucks, Get A Helmut” - Part 2

“Don’t be too critical of lifecoaching.” I wondered if Scott had waited for a calm moment to give me advice. Given the state of his marriage, I thought I was the one who was supposed to be giving advice.

“We’ll see. The only thing worthwhile so far is the Steven Wright album I bought.”

“You should get No Cure For Cancer by Denis Leary, either the DVD or the album. I saw him in NYC with friends and peed in my pants. My friend was with a date who was stiffer than Mom. She kept huffing and sighing at each joke and f-bomb. She stood up to leave when Denis Leary was making fun of Mama Cass choking on her own vomit. As she tried to walk out, Denis humiliated her. Afterwords, she was like, ‘I’ve never been so embarrassed or so humiliated. My heart was beating like a hummingbird.’ She talked like a hummingbird. ‘I’m going to sue him for trauma, for pain and suffering. He’s awful. How could you stand it. How can you make fun of cancer?’ It’s funny, but I think people who have cancer want to make fun of it. It helps them feel better.”

Some of Scott’s ideas are uncomfortable.

He continued by quoting Denis Leary, “Plus, his NyQuil thing is awesome, ‘Capital ‘n’, small ‘y’, big fucking ‘Q’. I’m high as a kite and my teeth are green. Marry fucking Christmas.’ You need to get that album. ‘I got two words for Don Henley: Joe Fucking Walsh.’” Scott then just laughed.

“You’re just Rockie Mountain High,” I said, naming my favorite Joe Walsh song.

“That was John Denver’s song,” Scott said. “Joe Walsh did Rockie Mountain Way.”

“Of course.”

“Make sure you get your whole head in front of the shot gun.”

…continued

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“Life Sucks, Get A Helmut”

Part 2: No Cure For Cancer
Part 1: Shrewful