Merkin’s Beard

Prairie Fires and Faerie Pyres, Part 6

“What?” Duke asked.

Buddy said, “That would be a great name. Merkin.”

“What’s that from?” Dee asked.

“Peter Sellers was President Merkin in Dr. Stranglove,” Buddy explain. “I wanted to make a comic book character with this name.”

Duke said, “A comic book? Weren’t we talking about a painting?”

“I was trying to talk about the hockey fight,” I said.

Buddy repeated, “Merkin.”

“Merkin’s a great name,” C said.

“I like it.” Dee said. She also liked that Buddy and C were laughing at me.

Duke said, “Sounds more like a dog’s name.”

Why do my friends help me when I want to be left alone?

Do you feel persecuted?

They are trying to name you Merkin.

At least they are talking about me.

“A merkin,” C explained, “is like a beard.”

“Merkin’s beard?” I asked.

“Yeah, that works,” Buddy said. “Write that down, Tom. In your note pad.”

“Stop laughing. I’m not taking a God-damn note.” I put my notepad in my back pocket to enforce this prohibition.

“It’s a good character idea,” Buddy said.

C said, “Tom sweetie, you could use some hair.”

“Not a beard.”

“Dee might even let you be my merkin,” C continued, “if I was a lesbian.”

“What?”

“A merkin is a pubic wig,” Buddy said.

Duke asked, “Public wig?”

“A pubic wig.” C said.

“How would I wear one of those?” I said. “And Christ, why?”

“You be funny all shaved down there,” C said. “And for you, manly pink would be a great color. Sideburns around your dick. The chicks would go for it. Definitely.”

“Are you out of you mind?” I said. “Is that what a merkin is?”

C asked, “What if I just had a Brazilian?”

She might well have. She took certain fashion tips from Sex And The City.

“Are you sleeping with Latin men again?” Buddy asked.

“No,” she added. “Walter.”

“Whose Walter?”

“So I was waxed, shaved whatever,” C said. “And I was feeling drafty, chilly. I could have a merkin to keep me warm.”

“That’s fucked up,” Duke said.

“I’d keep you warm,” Buddy said, “so that you wouldn’t need a merkin.”

“Tom,” Dee asked. “Should I have a merkin?”

Dee, C and Buddy - they were triple teaming me. Duke would pile on if he could figure out how.

“I need tequila,” I announced. My pint was more than half full. Everyone laughed but me. I grimaced.

I looked at Buddy. He still needed a drink. Instead, he said, “Merkin.”

I started a new drinking game. Every time someone said ‘merkin,’ I drank.

“Name him Merkin!” C said.

Dee said, “Marty would like that.”

I said to C. “Get your own fucked-up imaginary friend.”

“I’ve never had one,” she said. “Maybe Duke could be my imaginary friend. He’d be fun. He’d like my merkin.”

“Duke?” Buddy said.

“You really have one?” Duke asked. I drank even though Duke said ‘one’ and not ‘merkin.’

C said, “I want to see Marty, too.”

I added ‘Marty’ to my drink game. Every time someone said ‘Marty,’ I drank.

“Who’s Marty?” Duke asked.

Dee said, “Marty’s our life coach. Remember?”

“Yeah, he can help me deal with my imaginary friend Duke,” C said. “We’re going to be best friends for life.”

“You and Marty?” Duke asked.

“No,” C said, “me and you, honey.”

“You’re as crazy as Dr. Marty,” I said then drank once I said a magic drinking word. “He’s a complete nut job.”

Dee said, over-pronouncing the ‘M’. “Merkins and Martys and Marys.”

I added ‘Mary’ to the game.

… continued

——

Prairie Fires and Faerie Pyres

Part 6: Merkin’s Beard

Part 5: Conversation Of Biblical Proportion
Part 4: Hockey Fight
Part 3: Your Blog’s Not A Waste Of Time
Part 2: Put Your Head Somewhere Else
Part 1: Showier Prose